I’m Not Cut Out For This

Yesterday marked FIVE years since our big move to Mazatlan. (Insert shocked emoji here).

It always gets us thinking and talking and reminiscing about the wild trip that has been the past HALF A DECADE of our lives.

In our last newsletter, we expressed our need for more missionaries, and so often I think people think that they aren’t cut out for this life.

But here’s the deal, I don’t know that any of us necessarily are. 

The blunt, honest truth:

I’ve had that very thought a million times over the past five years of missions in Mazatlan:

I am not cut out for this.

I’m an introvert. I like plans and order. I need things to go according to that plan.

I don’t have a lot of patience with emotion. I prefer rational, clear thinking based on facts.

I hate humid weather. 

Yet here I am in a life that is full of people, busyness, emotions, uncertainty. 

Sometimes the anxiety keeps me up late into the night, and I think to myself, “Why on earth did I choose this life? I am not cut out for this.”

So why did I do it?

You could say it’s a calling, but that makes it sound so noble and sacrificial and godly and stuff. When in reality, I want to do this. I want this life.

It’s confusing, isn’t it? Because if I say I want it, then that makes it seem like there are no sacrifices; I never get sad; and I never have regrets. But if I say that I’m just being obedient to a calling, then that makes me seem like a martyr.

Choosing this life is a bit of both explanations, I guess. Yes, I hate waking up at 5 am – but I love watching the kids devour their breakfast. I’m not thrilled about long days that don’t slow down – but I love seeing the fruit that makes it worth it. It brings me so much joy.

And in the hardest of days, there’s always that joy. The joy of seeing children break free of heavy burdens they’ve been carrying. The joy of seeing a mama discover just a bit of her potential for the first time.

The joy of living a life of purpose. The joy that comes from casting all my anxiety on Him. 

And really, we are not cut out for a lot of things, are we? We get into situations, positions, jobs, roles and think, I’m not cut out for this. But we keep doing it anyway, because when our Father calls us to it, there is always joy. 

Joy in doing hard things. Joy in stepping out of your comfort zone. Joy in getting through a day we never thought we would live through. Joy in knowing that no matter how tough things get, He promises to never leave our side.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9